I must inform you about my father, some of you guys may be wondered about it since my last blog,
Actually, he’s been still here! Although he lives just with drip of nutrition.
He gets skinnier day by day, surely not recovering, just he has life force, and he seems very calm and in peace, not loosing himself yet, but, his mind is getting close to baby child.
We were ready to farewell, and faced to fact which loosing both parents.. (we lost our mother almost 17years ago. )
Anyway, a few weeks ago, we had to move hospital, because, his pneumonia was gone, and that hospital does not allow person to be their patient without any sickness. So we had to move to another type of hospital where does medical care and nursing support for old people etc.
After we moved in this hospital, we were starting felt, he may not pass so soon than expected at previous hospital.
Then, I asked one of nurse, how she considers,
She said, there are people whom could survive half year or even 1 year just with drip. (!!!)
And he is very strong and his blood vessel smoothly taking needle still,
So, how she feels, he can live 3 months, even more, .. just she can not say exactly,
( sure, I understand no one can expect span of life, and shouldn’t do it in her position)
and doctor also said, if he (my father) doesn’t get any sickness, such as pneumonia, etc. then, death cause senility, then, he would not die in a few months, and doctor also mentioned to me that I better go back to my life, because, we don’t know how long he will live more. And don’t need to stick with him and wait he passes. Anyway, if father can not take needle of drip, there is more step as subcutaneous drip which could give life a week or more even a month….I can spend some time with him at house as we wished, unless emergency happening.
I want to close with him, but, same time, surely, I want to go back to my life.
I’d been stressed out sometime end of last year by nursing my father.. already I dedicated my life more than one year and half…. That’s probably enough for now, and I will dedicate more time when he will be passing away and taking care things of him later, anyway…
I am here alone in the house, I can not call home here any more,, because, father, house keeper and brother whom visiting every morning are not here anymore,,,, this is just father’s house now,,
Home is where family are.. person is the key, not the house, not the place… those are following after.
Yes, I know that "home is where I am now and here",,,
but well,,, this definition is just in the spiritual field for me now, and I’ve been visiting many places alone, and luckily I was welcomed by friends, beautiful people or enjoyed totally new places as a stranger, and I always enjoyed everywhere I go and feels home, had bases in Tokyo and Ibiza till year and half ago. I had 3 places I could go back and could say home, but, last several years, I was not feeling that was my home exactly, it was just the places where my things are,,
Surely, it was lack of person in my place as feel home, I was living alone so many years, I can not say "Tadaima" ( “I’m back in home ! “ In Japanese , says to family ) and no one answer "Okaeri"(“welcome back home” in Japanese ) those typical Japanese family things were missing in my life so many years, except coming back to this fathers house. Anyway I loved to be alone most of the time, and I was arranging how I could be alone,,,, preferred to be alone for free choices for everything.. blast anytime I want to, wake up and go to bed , eat, anytime I want to, however I want to…
When I decide come back to father for help him, it was easy for me to change where I live, because, everywhere I go, I do same things, and If I am in need for someone important, why not to do…
Then, one year & half life in here made my perspective of life changed. I can not blast whenever I want to,,,, but, family members energy support my routine goes well, eat more fun and good, life became more colorful… deal with my uncomfortable emotions and stress for them were made me wiser, stronger, there were more opportunity to growth, to be master of myself.
Deal with people are not easy for me who lived so many years alone, but I feel I opened new door of “living life together”
I want to make my home, with someone who I can truly love, and find a place where I can be myself, I can invite friends who I can feel family,, Ideally, before he passes,
I am thinking why his sprit stops to go other side, it maybe that he doesn’t secure to leave me alone here, his precious daughter needs home, if he passes now, she become homeless ;) ( I won’t be homeless in physically, though, in mentally…)
well,,,, my father said to me long time ago,
'Hideyo, you can go around, that’s because, you have home here..'
Hope, everybody have warm home where family are waiting and coming back and those beautiful words are repeating every day here and there,,,,
Tadaima, ,,,,,, Okaerinasai,,, welcome home,,!
So,,,, anyway, he still alive,, and thank you for your messages and warm words,